


5 Reasons Why I Love You

by superior_olive



Category: Fallout 4
Genre: M/M, Pining, Some Romance, Some angst, just a little writing exercise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-08
Updated: 2016-07-20
Packaged: 2018-07-22 06:04:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7422835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/superior_olive/pseuds/superior_olive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>first fallout fic since I'm crazy obsessed with MacCready nowadays. From his point of view, with my male sole survivor James.<br/>loosely based on the prompt: five times i tried to tell you i loved you and the one time i did, but more about times of realization. </p>
<p>Probably gonna be really fluffy bc hoo boy do I got it bad. edit: lots of pining and angst tbh</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Give me feedback bc I know I suck at writing so it isn't going to hurt my feelings.  
> https://twitter.com/mikeplaysvgames/status/750848098755153920 what my ss looks like if you're curious ~~

Reason One

It had been about a month that MacCready had known James, working with him night and day around the clock. He impressed him with his confidence, his composure and charm that could turn deadly in an instant. Hell, he even considered him a friend at this point though he wouldn’t ever tell him. That stuff was, frankly embarrassing and any direction that made you vulnerable was a bad one to go.

  
They were just walking down some road near Goodneightbor, heading back to that gem to talk to Dr. Amari when MacCready’s heart stopped. He heard a high pitched whistle. James was several yards in front of him, and MacCready couldn’t even yell for him to get down before the missile landed, knocking the breath out of him. The world was black and all he could hear was a ringing, loud and sharp that was accompanied with a strong pain in his leg. The raider was on top of a building and thankfully he was able to keep his hands on his sniper and kill him before shot missile number two with his fatman. He was lucky, he had only received minimal damage with a piece of concrete that had bruised his upper thigh. Hurt a lot, yeah, but pain was a blessing in a place where death was so rampant and so final.

  
_James_. He would usually hear some bad pun about what just took place or some string of cursing if he was hurt. Silence fell on ringing ears.

  
“James?” His voice felt hollow in the empty street, and he searched frantically for him. _No not again. I can’t lose someone again. I can’t keep failing._

  
He heard a groan and his heart did a flip, running over to see some rubble move. Concrete blocks had nearly crushed him, MacCready could only think that he wasn’t going to watch another person die from an arms reach as he frantically started unburying him.

  
“C’mon now, James talk back to me,” he saw his freckled face covered in dust and gave it a soft slap. It couldn’t end like this, MacCready wouldn’t let it. He hated to admit to himself, but he really did like the guy. More than he should. Hazel eyes looked back at him blankly, his lids half open. MacCready grasped his face with both hands, not aware that tears were welling in his eyes. “No, just… you can’t leave like this, we have to find your son.” He couldn’t fail this man’s son, like he was failing Duncan. Why did good people keep getting hurt on his watch? “Wake the hell up.”

  
A cough turned into laughter. MacCready just looked at him in awe as he began laughing, though wheezing. “Hey Mac,” he managed to turn his cheek into one of his hands, “you said hell.”

  
MacCready didn’t appreciate the sudden burst of joy that flooded his chest. He gave him a rough pat on his chest. “Why you little shi- I mean you gave me a scare there, get up.”

  
They stood up and James just looked at the concrete, grinning. “Wow that guy really knocked my _block_ off right?”

  
MacCready turned away, feeling his face turn red. “Good you have a sense of humor, since y’know, you almost died,” he scoffed. “Then how’d I get paid for all the shi- stuff you put me through.”

  
He felt a warm hand on his shoulder. “Don’t worry Mac, if something happens to me just ask Valentine for the payment.” He gave him a wink before walking forward. “We need to see Dr. Amari, for multiple reasons now.”

As he watched him walk ahead, his chest tightened with sprouts of warmth circling throughout his torso. He was in trouble.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just more angst, bc wow that's me folks.

Reason 2

He told him about Lucy, it started out subtly, quietly, sullenly. He hadn’t really talked about her since her passing, though that term was too light of what happened. MacCready and James had just barely made it out of a feral herd. The ghouls were still out there, wandering the broken streets but the two had managed to find a cellar to wait out in. He didn’t know why he told him, but he felt compelled to. MacCready couldn’t take the silence anymore, the fear of what was trampling above him that caused him to shake. Maybe it was an explanation, to stop the worried gazes and the constant asks if he was okay. It was all still so clear in his head, how Lucy was torn apart, how her screams and Duncan’s cries still haunted him every time he closed his eyes. How his eyes stung and were bloodshot from crying and lack of sleep for months after the occurrence, he could feel that same fear creeping back.

  
James was quiet, as he went on about her and Duncan now unable to stop himself, his mouth refusing to shut. MacCready talked about Little Lamplight, how he left and how he started a family with Lucy. He could feel himself smiling as he relived the old memories through stories, remembering in his short life he had some good times. His hands messed with the little wooden soldier she made for him, just the smallest token of how he could still feel close to her. He spoke of Duncan, not talking about his illness as he focused on what cheerfulness was once in his life. He talked about how he had Lucy’s nose and his own eyes, and how he understood what those poets were always rambling about of love when he first held his son. He bit his tongue when he noticed a pang of sadness in James eye’s when he told the story of Duncan’s first steps. _Fuck_. How did he always mess up with things like this. He noticed James was fiddling with a ring in his hands, which he knew must’ve been Nora’s. He was always so goddamn selfish, not thinking that he hadn’t even gotten that much time with his son.

  
MacCready paused before looking down. “I’m sorry.”

  
“What?” James looked up, dirt streaked across his face almost rendering his freckles invisible.

  
MacCready didn’t know what to say, he had already said too much. He poured unnecessary information out and was making this personal. He didn’t do personal anymore, that was a luxury he had given up. He already knew what affection got someone in the wasteland. He just kept his head down, mouth shut tightly into a stern line. He felt stupid and, fuck, he felt _vulnerable_. Mercenaries weren’t vulnerable.

  
“You have nothing to be sorry for,” James finally said after some awkward silence went by. MacCready couldn’t bring himself to look him in the eyes, he didn’t deserve this. He kept silent, only he was sure his heartbeat was loud enough for the ghouls to find them at this rate.

  
“Hi Honey!” a feminine voice from Jame’s pipboy called out in a cheerful tone. MacCready raised his eyes, caught off guard as the holotape played. There was a baby’s giggling, his wife’s voice talking about their future so happily. The future that they would never see. James was turned away, and it pained him that he couldn’t see his eyes, that he couldn’t do anything to comfort him. As the tape ended, he understood what he was trying to say.

  
James had listened to him fully, attention undivided. Shared his smiles, his sorrow, never attempted to take over by making it about himself. _He gets it_. They both had lost families, lost hope, and still had mementos that were their last strings to humanity. MacCready didn’t comprehend how he had met him, how he ended up in some smelly cellar spilling out bits of his past to a 200 year old war veteran. Or how that it was this 200 year old war veteran that he felt a strong sense of comradery with, that in all of the Commonwealth he was the one that not only understood, that had actually listened, but more importantly he  _cared_. They sat in silence.

  
After some time, James nodded off to sleep, snoring quietly slumped against a crusty couch. MacCready just watched him, gun pointed towards the hatch as the sound of footsteps grew fainter and fainter.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to make the chapters longer, we'll see how that goes.

Reason 3

It was a good night, they had just gotten back, with all limbs attached, from taking out some Gunners and MacCready was feeling absolutely electric. He deeply regretted joining up with them, sure the caps were good but if he knew how’d it end he would’ve never done it. Yet somehow in his never ending cycle of fuck-ups something good had finally happened. Those Gunners weren’t getting better from being dead.

James had opened a bottle of whiskey, shuffling around the abandoned house they were holding up in for the night. “Hey you wouldn’t happen to have any..uh cups or anything?” He looked up, eyes bright with another infectious smile.

MacCready broke eye contact, feeling stupid again for some reason with that annoying swirling sensation of warmth in his stomach. He scratched the back of his head, “Nope, believe it or not, out of the two of us I’m not the one that usually carries around crap.”

“Pft. You just call it junk because you don’t see the _potential_.” MacCready was trying to light a cigarette when James lit it with what he only could assume was a makeshift lighter.

“Hmph. I do gotta hand it to you, you can build some of the weirdest things with that random stuff.” He quickly paced to the other side of the room, feigning his search of cups. “Weird but useful occasionally.” He heard James just sigh, and land on a couch with a dramatic flop.

“What type of house doesn’t have cups, Mac, _cups_.” He waved his arms around before dropping them over his face resigned.

MacCready grinned, before taking the whiskey bottle and chugging a bit of it. He gave him a light jab to his stomach. “Maybe a house with no holes in the roof smart guy, but you don’t need to look _too_ far for a cup.” He handed him the bottle, “It comes in one.”

James made an agreeable noise before sitting up and taking a long drink. He held the bottle up, “A toast to killing those son of a bitches. May the Gunners fuck off and forever shoot crooked.” MacCready chuckled, taking the bottle from him and shoving him back on the couch.

They spent a good portion of the night taking turns drinking from the bottle, sharing random stories from their pasts, and by god he was enjoying himself too much. The familiar burn in his throat for once wasn’t a precursor to blindly drinking off pain but in celebration. Christ, how long had it been since he’d done that. James had found a radio upstairs and was dancing rather sloppily to some of Diamond City’s tunes. MacCready wondered how he could still smile like that, act so carefree even after all that happened to him. It was like nothing bothered him, but he knew that wasn’t true based on their limited interactions with the Institute. Hell, James seemed to feel everything so strongly he wondered how he got through the rough patches so well. How he could end up in a world that he didn’t belong in and then managed to be doing a stupid dance right in front of him, grinning ear to ear.

James looked up to see MacCready just staring and did a half stumble half dance over to him, grabbing his arm. “C’mon Mr. Merc I can’t be so rude to not offer you a dance for your own v-day.”

“Don’t you dare cowboy,” although he gave no resistance to being propped up.

“I thought you liked jazz?” James grabbed his hands as the music picked up, swinging their arms ungracefully in the room. MacCready couldn’t help but shut his eyes in laughter, the world was spinning around even more. They must have looked like two loonies, but he was having fun for once in a long time. It helped that they were also both drunk off their asses, the bottle empty and missing.

As the song ended, James pulled him in for a hug, an unexpected action that caused him to freeze in place. He didn’t know how to respond with his strong arms around his back, the scent of whiskey and smoke heavy on him. MacCready could feel his face flush, although he just blamed it on the excessive drinking.

“I’m damned happy for you, y’know?” James adjusted himself to just having one arm draped over his shoulders. “You’re one of the best friends I got.”

“C’mon man,” MacCready sobered a bit trying to shrug his arm off. “You’re just drunk.”

“No, no,” he shook his head slowly waving his free hand about. “None of that tonight you--” he somehow managed to slip on the empty bottle that was carelessly left on the floor, falling backwards and dragging MacCready with him.

MacCready fell on top of him, uncomfortably sprawled on the bigger man with his hands on his chest. _He’s firm as a rock_. He couldn’t help but notice how he could feel his muscle tone through his shirt, and how his hands refused to move. His nose had knocked against James’s awkwardly, causing a bit of soreness that felt unimportant at the moment. He could feel his breath on him, see every detail of the scars on his face, the new and the faded. Mostly he felt drawn to the pair of blue-hazel eyes looking up at him. He knew he should move, hell he was screaming at himself to get up before he did something stupid. But he didn’t, neither man made any movement for a long while. MacCready could feel the steady rise of his chest as he inhaled and his gaze fell from his eyes to his mouth. The steady beat of James’s heart sent tremors through his body, MacCready had to focus on not physically shivering. He had a hairline scar on the left side of his chapped lips, something that must’ve been old with how it was barely visible. He held his breath as he watched James try to extend his head forward, not sure what was going on. All he knew for certain was he didn’t want to move. In all of the world, he wanted to be here, on some dirty floor in a neighborhood notorious of Super Mutants, a place he very well shouldn't have gotten drunk and be messing around. Yet gazing down at James closed eyes, their foreheads touching, he couldn't see the appeal of the Dugout Inn anymore. God, he was so happy he was _here_.

Like glass the moment was shattered by the sound of gunfire, something clicked in both of them as they quickly stood up and went to find their firearms. After a few tense minutes the noise died down, and James decided that they should probably turn in so that they could get to Diamond City in the morning. Something about how he promised Piper an interview and ‘he knew better to keep that woman waiting again’. MacCready agreed, and went to take one of couches.

“Good night Mac,” James said his voice soft and tired, relaxing into the old cushions still wearing a stupid smile on his face.

“Night.” He watched his chest rise and fall as he fell asleep rather quickly. He was happy that the Gunners wouldn’t be bothering him anymore, but that didn’t explain the tightness in his core he experienced whenever he looked at him. MacCready fell asleep with a stupid smile too.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so they aren't actually a thing yet, MacCready is at that "i won't say im in love" stage even though they are both a little handsy for just friends. More pining and angst.

Reason 4

The night was dark, even the intense lights of the city couldn’t bleed into the deepest parts of the sky. MacCready lit a cigarette, waiting patiently on James’s roof in Diamond City. He’d never admit it to him, but it was pretty cool that he was able to purchase an actual house. They had spent countless hours cleaning the place up, setting up furniture. Now it actually had a functioning television and jukebox, he didn’t know how James did it but he was a wonder with electronics. MacCready marked it in his head to try not to smoke inside, there was no reason to especially with the easy access to the rooftop.

He had been gone for a good while now. Six days to be exact. He knew he shouldn’t worry, but the way he had literally teleported out of the living room to go “visit his son” was more than unsettling. Anyways he was watching his house while he was gone, another way he could attempt to pay off the debt for his help with the Gunners. It was an easy job, people didn’t come by that often other than Piper and Valentine and they only would have a few drinks before leaving. He could tell they were waiting for him to get back, the subtle worry was evident on their faces when he told them that James was still out. It was already a miracle that he came back from the Institute once, but MacCready felt it wasn’t something to test the limits of. How long before James never came back? Or what if he did but was replaced with a synth? He took a long drag of the cigarette at that thought. Surely he would be able to tell, wouldn’t he? Hell, he had followed him everywhere in the Commonwealth; they had cried, laughed, and bled together. He was his best friend, he knew James from the sound of him opening a door for Christ’s sake. He would know if it was James, he was sure of it.

MacCready groaned, tossing the cigarette. He absolutely hated just sitting and waiting. Everything once again was out of his control, back to just being on his ass hoping that things worked out. James had been pretty quiet about meeting Shaun, the only real details he got was that he was an adult and in charge of the Institute. No doubt that was rough, knowing that his long quest to find his infant son was futile from the beginning. That the boogie man that people feared so much was the same person as that giggling baby in the holotape. He knew James would tell him more in time, one thing that man had a problem with was over-sharing. MacCready looked down, thinking about how that made him so easy to talk to, as it felt like you knew him after five minutes of conversation. He hated that he missed him so much, but there was nothing he could do. He really wished he was back home.

As fate would have it, he heard the hatch opening up with someone joining him on the roof. _James_. MacCready essentially bounced out of the chair, smiling involuntarily. He coughed, regaining his composure as James stepped up on the roof, although unusually slow.

“Hey Boss,” MacCready said as coolly as he could muster, adjusting his hat.

“Hey Mac,” James voice felt flat, with only a small amount of feigned energy.

MacCready quickly looked up to see him running his hands through his hair, his face taut in concentration. James appeared clean, his shirt pressed and smelling of aftershave, which was normal when he came back from the Institute. What bothered him was his eyes, they looked dark and cold and glossy. In most men that would register as something to be afraid of or aggressive towards, but MacCready only felt concern watching the dreary man. He rubbed the back of his head uneasily, unsure how to proceed.

“Can we talk inside?” James broke the awkward silence. He always was the one to do so.

MacCready nodded, following him down the ladder back into the house. Whatever happened with Shaun must’ve been serious. After sitting down at the dining table for a few minutes quietly, MacCready figured he was the one who needed to initiate the conversation.

“So what do you wanna talk about?” He was looking at his face for clues of what was going on in that head of his, only to be greeted by a stony expression.

“Sorry, I just,” James bit his lip, staring down at the candle in the center of the table. “I’m trying really fucking hard to keep it together but I can’t,” his voice broke, stifling what appeared to be tears. “Fuck Mac, she would know what to do, Nora always....” Both his hands wringed jet black hair, his voice growing weaker.

MacCready stood up from the table, instinctively grabbing his hands and bringing them down to the table, his grip tight. “Hey, hey now,” his voice was soft trying his best to calm him down. “You’re not making any sense man, just tell me what’s going on.” He hated seeing him like this, so distraught and in pain. This side of James was something he didn’t even know existed, and honestly in most cases he would probably find a man breaking like this to be pathetic. But every bone in his body was screaming for him to make the pain stop, to comfort him until he was smiling that stupid grin again. He didn’t even realize how hard he was squeezing his hands, he kept his gaze on the now red eyes of James.

Blue-hazel eyes looked up at him, the iron front melting away. He cleared his throat. “Yeah, I’m sorry it’s just Shaun.” He sounded hopeless, “He’s … he’s sick. And he’s going to die soon.”

MacCready’s heart dropped, the pain that he tried to hide himself was bubbling to the surface. “I’m so..wow man.” He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what he wanted to hear next. His mind went to Duncan, how he was sick. He knew how he felt, he wanted to express that but he didn’t know how. Would it even be right for him to bring up his own dying son? He had thought about telling James multiple times, but he already owed him so much he couldn’t ask for more. His stomach was twisting knots, making him nauseous. Words were stuck in his mouth like a spider’s web unable to escape.

“I thought I would have more time, I’ve already missed, what, like sixty years, and now..” James trailed off, noticing MacCready’s sudden change in facial expressions. “Are you...alright?”

MacCready honestly could not believe this man. How he never allowed himself to fall into self-pity for that long, how he was always so aware of how people felt around him. He was probably one of the best things left in his life and by no stance did he deserve this. Deserve him.

He let his hands go, ungracefully folding his arms. “Look we’re talking about you so let’s focus on that.” He sat back down, “I’m...I’m so sorry about Shaun.” He felt stupid and like an asshole as he fought back his own tears. James was always so strong, so sure when he needed him. If he couldn’t repay this then what good was he to James at all? They sat in silence for a while, MacCready’s hand finding it’s way to hold onto one of his gently.

“Y’know I work with Deacon and the Railroad,” James started off painfully slow, the words dripping out of his mouth like hardening honey. “And I’ve decided that I’m going to help them. I’m going to destroy the Institute.” His voice faded as he continued, ending in a whisper. “I’m going to kill my dying son.” Tears were now on his face, though he was quiet. MacCready didn’t respond, his mind still reeling. He wasn’t good at emotional stuff, that much he made obvious, but god he wanted to be for him. He wanted to be better, he wanted to be able to do something. MacCready’s thumb rubbed across his knuckles, not sure if the physical contact was more for him or James.

“You’re a good man.” He began, not sure where the words were coming from. “You’re the best person I’ve ever met, that I’ve ever had the luck to work with. It’s so damn easy in the world to just turn your back on everything, god knows I have. But you’re not like that, for one reason or another you care. You, of all people, who have the easiest reasons to just hate, manages to make us all look bad by caring. You work hard so other’s can have it easier, you fight for people who can’t.” He felt himself blushing, god he was gushing like a schoolgirl but he couldn’t stop. “You’re everything I wish I could be, like you just popped out of some hero comic to save the day. Because when it comes down to it, I trust you. I know you, and I know whatever decision you make will be a dam-- darn good one. I…” He bit his lip, feeling his whole body warm up. _I don’t want to lose you._ _You’re close enough to lose._ “I..I just want you to know that this isn’t your fault. And that I’m here for you. Always.”

A small smile grew on James’s face, his features blurred by the dancing candle light. “Thanks, I really mean it.” He looked up, eyes soft and warm though bloodshot. “I don’t know what I’d do without you Mac.”

“Don’t mention it,” a burst of warm energy began circulating throughout him. “Just get some sleep, before you say something embarrassing.”

“Sure thing, but we’re going to talk about what’s bothering _you_ in the morning.”

MacCready made a playful groan in response. "Fine, we'll have it your way Boss."

James sat up with a soft laugh, his hand reluctantly leaving MacCready’s grasp. MacCready had a moment of panic realizing he was holding his hand the entire time, but couldn’t help but feel like his hand somehow felt heavier empty. He went to the couch, laying down staring at his hand, turning it back and forth to examine in detail. It was dirty, calloused, with thin long fingers. Nothing special, probably something most people didn’t want to be touched by. Yet where he had held James hand, some of the grime had been brushed off revealing his skin having traces of his aftershave’s scent. Cleaning a part of him. _Our relationship in a nutshell_.

He told him about Duncan truthfully in the morning. James started them off for Med-Tek first thing after breakfast. Like the sunrise, he was always bringing him renewed hope, warmth, and light. MacCready didn’t know if this was the type of debt he could ever pay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise the next chapter will be happier! So much angst I can't help myself.. (and with more kissing...maybe)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, but hope you guys enjoy!

Reason 5

 

He still couldn’t believe any of it. So much had happened in the last few weeks it felt like MacCready was experiencing whiplash. They had gotten the cure on it’s way to Duncan and a large burden had been lifted off his heart. His boy would live. His baby boy would live. 

Then there was James. He and the Railroad had taken down the Institute, the boogie man himself. He was still reeling from the story Deacon had told him, not sure if all the details were true, but the aftermath spoke for itself. The Prydwen had been attacked and now it was lying partially in the ocean near the airport. The C.I.T was in ruins. So much destruction, so much fear had been erased for the Commonwealth. Sure, Danse wasn’t too happy about it but he was a  _ synth _ that the Brotherhood were ordered to kill on sight. James had assured him that he would get over it eventually, more for his benefit than MacCready’s. 

So much had happened with the Railroad staying up on top, he was surprised that now they were back where it all started for him, getting drinks at the Third Rail. James said he’d meet him here, that he wanted to talk. He figured he needed some time to adjust to being a dad again, apparently Shaun had made a synth duplicate who was just a kid who thought he was his father. That...was more than a little creepy but in many ways it was the closest way Shaun could make up for all that he had done to his dad. James got his second chance with his family, just as MacCready was blessed to have. If he was lucky enough to still have his son, James definitely deserved to raise that synth boy as his own. 

MacCready turned down another drink. He didn’t know why he was nervous to meet James, but he didn’t think being drunk was appropriate for this talk. He lit a cigarette, knowing that he had some words he wanted to get off his chest too. He had given him the toy soldier Lucy made him so long ago, another attempt to pay off his never-ending debt to this man. But there was still something else to it all, something he couldn’t tap into, or maybe was too afraid to. He knew he  _ felt  _ something extremely strong towards James but he still had no idea how to convey it. Sure they would hang out, go do jobs, read comics, and get drunk but even when they were together there was still that lingering feeling. That there was still another whole layer to what they had together that wasn’t even touched upon yet. He groaned as he turned down another drink.

His mood perked up when he saw Hancock walk down the stairs, as the mayor of Goodneighbor it wasn’t unexpected for him to show up once in awhile. 

“Hey how’s the coolest ghoul in the Commonwealth doing?” he waved him over.

“Not too shabby if I say so myself,” Hancock straightened the front of his jacket walking over with a smile. “And how’s my favorite gun for hire?”

MacCready gave a shy shrug, taking a drag of his cigarette as Hancock took the seat next to him. 

“Oh I love this song,” Hancock hummed along as Magnolia sang.

“Yeah jazz is alright.” He held a small grin remembering dancing drunk with a certain someone. “But rock and roll is still the best.”

“Can’t deny it has soul,” Hancock looked around with a small frown on his face. “Huh, not used to seeing you rocking solo. Where’s your arguably better half?” 

MacCready coughed, “C’mon man cut that out.” He sat up straight attempting to regain some dignity despite his now red face. “James is on his way he had some stuff to do.” He shook his head. “No need to make it weird.”

“Remember who you’re talking to,” Hancock laughed, draping an arm over his shoulder. “You know you two aren’t fooling anyone, right? Big doe eyes always looking at each other, always right by each other’s hip. And not to mention you two started shaving each other’s faces--”

“Thanks Hancock, that’s enough.” MacCready said louder than he meant, gaining a few gazes from other patrons at the bar. He lowered his hat, trying to kill the blush rising to his cheeks once again. “Just… don’t tease me like that,” he said his voice much softer.

Hancock tilted his head, “Ohh. So you just haven’t told him yet, huh.” He ordered them a round of drinks. 

“I’m trying to keep my head clear today Hancock,” MacCready protested, though he still took the glass. 

“I have a hunch you’re going to need some liquid courage.” He kicked his feet up on the counter. “Because you’re going to tell him tonight.”

MacCready just about spat out the drink, his eyes wide. “I’m what?!” He shook his head, “You must be out of your goddamned mind if you think I would.. I mean there’s  _ no way  _ he could ever..” He grew quiet. “Is it really that obvious?”

Hancock nodded. “Yeah, it really  _ really  _ is. Kinda cute but I think you’d be a lot happier if you just got it over with.” He swirled the alcohol slowly, watching the ice rotate. “Look, is it because you’re both men? You know you don’t  _ have  _ to just like one sex.”

“Geez, I know I know,” MacCready took a long sip. “I mean I haven’t ever really pursued anything with a guy, but I know who I’m attracted to, alright. It’s just he could… y’know have anyone he really wanted. For Christ’s sake, his codename is  _ Charmer  _ of all things.” He waved over for another drink, because dammit, if he was going to have to talk about this he couldn’t do it sober. And Hancock seemed less than likely to leave it be. 

“And?” He didn’t seem convinced. “Don’t you think it’d be better off for you just to at least be honest with him? I mean, you could just spend the rest of your life looking starry eyed when he has his back turned.” He nudged MacCready with his elbow. “But if it was me, man, I’d say fuck that. If I loved someone, I would go out there, and go get them. Then for better or worse, I’d tell them what’s on my mind, because out of a world of ‘what if’s’ I’d be damned if I let them fall into that category.” He let out a short laugh. “But that’s just me.”

MacCready just stared at him as he took another drink. “You know, you can be a real pain.” He stood up, brushing himself off. “And I’m leaving this all on your tab.”

“Good luck, I saw him approaching the front gate not too long ago,” Hancock grinned as MacCready left the Third Rail giving a stiff pat on the shoulder. 

This was insane. He had drunk too much, or he was just feeling like more rejection was what his life needed. He shouldn’t be doing this, it was a bad idea. But Hancock had made a point. If there was just the slightest chance that someone like James could like someone like him, then just maybe. Hancock was up to something, that much was evident, but then again it didn’t take too much of a pep talk or alcohol to persuade MacCready. He couldn’t lie to himself, there was a large part of him that wanted to do this. Too many times he had played the situation over and over in his head, always with a bad outcome. Hell, if he couldn’t imagine a happy ending how did he expect to get one? Still if there was anyone that surprised him, it was James. He approached the front gate, puffing up his chest.  _ If you love someone, go get them.  _ He slipped past the doors, not sure what his plan was. 

“Oh, hey Mac.” James was right outside, making MacCready even more suspicious of Hancock’s timing. Still, this was do or die time, no looking back. “I thought we were meeting at the Third Rail..?”

“We need to talk,” the words came out too fast, MacCready already flustering himself. The confusion was evident on James face, he always tilted his head slightly to the right when he was confused. 

“Yeah...I know. The plan was to talk there..?”

“Yeah, but no, I just need you to listen for a moment.” MacCready took a deep breath, silently thanking Hancock for the beer as ‘liquid courage’ was all he was running on at the moment. 

James just nodded, putting his hands in his pockets. 

“Uh..well.” He fidgeted with his hat, feeling unexplainably stupid. “I just thought you should know, that well. I’m forever grateful for everything you’ve done for me. That I’m having trouble describing exactly how much I am in your debt, jesus, there’s no amount of caps that can ever top it.” He shuffled his feet, knowing that his face had to be a raging red. “You make me feel… it’s just when I’m at your side I know there’s nothing that we can’t do. That we can take on the world. I know that as long as we stay together that everything will be okay, you make me feel  _ safe. _ ” This was beyond embarrassing, but the way James was looking at him seemed encouraging. “You challenge me, make me  _ want _ to do better. I know that I’m not a particularly good or bad man, but when I’m with you it’s different. You’ve done impossible things, things I could only ever dream about. And somehow, for whatever reason you still  _ look  _ at me like I’m worth something. I know if I was you, I wouldn’t spend a goddamn minute with a mercenary like me.” MacCready was a mix of various emotions. On the verge of tears, but still smiling he didn’t know what he must’ve looked like to James. He couldn’t bring himself to make eye contact, not until it was all out in the open. “Yet here you are, taking time out of your day to come meet up with me. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to understand that.” His hands turned into tight fists at his sides. “I’ve felt like it would’ve been better if my family all died together for so long now, but you  _ saved  _ Duncan, you saved my future. Being near you makes me feel like maybe tomorrow won’t be so bad.”  _ Fuck.  _ He could feel a few tears sneak out. “I’ve been  _ dead  _ inside, and...then you come along. I don’t think you get it, but you  _ saved  _ me... from myself.” He looked up, seeing the warmest, most gorgeous eyes look back. He didn’t deserve him, not even close to it.

“Mac, I,” He took a step forward, not breaking eye contact. “You sell yourself way too short. I wouldn’t be nearly the man here today if not for you, hell, I don’t know if I would even be alive.” His gaze went to the ground, and MacCready would almost even say the man looked vulnerable. How odd was it that the Charmer himself was standing shy in front of him. “But..I mean maybe I’m misreading this entirely but if I’m not.” He paused, one of his hands leaving his pocket to scratch behind his head. “If you would have me, I’d be yours.”

MacCready couldn’t believe what he was hearing, his mouth agape. “But.. what about Nora?” The question burst out, he wasn’t sure if it was more for him or James. “Don’t you still love her?”

James was silent for a moment. “I mean you get it right? That I will always love her, that what we had will always be a part of me,” he continued his brow furrowed, “but I know she’d want me to be happy. That moving on is a part of life, and if you’re willing to give it a shot then I’m all in.” He took a deep breath. “Robert Joseph MacCready I think.. I know I’m in love with you.”

He was taken back, not sure how to respond, that something had to be wrong in his mind. This must be a dream, there was no way those words just came out of that perfect mouth. MacCready only did what seemed natural to him, he grabbed James by the collar of his jacket and kissed him. His lips were chapped, and both of them really needed to shave but it was still felt good, felt  _ right. _ MacCready’s back was pressed against the gate, James more than eager to return the kiss. He wrapped his arms around his neck, smiling into the kiss as he felt James’s hands grab him by the hips. He tasted of smoke and sugar bombs, the new taste of home. His nose did it’s work of awkwardly ramming into different parts of James’s face, but it didn’t kill the mood. They just stayed there, leaned against the gate kissing and laughing at how both of them were way out of practice. James ended it, bringing his lips to his forehead, closing his eyes. 

“Still want to get drinks at the Third Rail?” his voice was rough, out of breath. 

“I was thinking maybe a room at Rexford,” MacCready growled into his ear, biting his lower lip. “But drinks work too.”

James stepped back, giving him a peck on the lips. “You lead the way.”

Smiling, he opened the gate. He couldn’t describe the way his heart was pounding, or the flush in his face or the warmth in his gut. But he could describe the way he felt looking at James. 

Happy. He was happy.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter after this! Thanks if you've stuck around this long.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter folks! I hope you enjoyed the journey~

He awoke to an empty bed, the left side cold. Thunder roared outside, the rain hitting the top of the metal shed hard. There was still enough light for him to see the indention next to him, the lightning illuminating the room for a few moments. MacCready got up, slipping on his pants as he made his way to the open window, a few stray drops hitting his face. He was droggy, sleep still heavy in his steps, but he felt content. Whatever light outside didn’t help his line of vision that much, the rain was thick turning the Commonwealth into a mix of greys. He sighed, wondering when James had gotten up and left and how tired he must’ve been to only now notice. He hated waking up alone, but he knew he would return soon, he always did. Geez, many times did he have to tell that man to wake him up? But no, he was always told that ‘he looked so peaceful sleeping’ or ‘you need your rest’, always some sweet-talk excuse. A smile grew on his face thinking about how terribly domestic things have gone. Well, as domestic as things could go for a gun for hire on the road could be. 

The door creaked opened, James dripping from head to toe. He pulled down his bandana, smiling from ear to ear. He looked like a madman. “Good to see you’re awake, sunshine.”

MacCready scoffed. “Sunshine is it? Y’know you can wake me up before you go scavenge? It’s not that hard to tell me, I’m just on the other side of the bed.” 

“ Pfft.” He waved his hand passively, pulling out some cans from his pack. “I didn’t want to bother you, you looked peaceful.” He took off his outer coat, the soaked fabric hitting the ground with a thud, revealing a dirty wife beater that clung to his body quite well. “Anyways, I found some pork and beans, and some sugar bombs! You wouldn’t care to have lunch with me?” 

He shook his head with a grin. “Geez, the amount of that sugar you eat it’s a wonder you haven’t died. But I _guess_ I can,” MacCready pulled up a stool to a crooked table. “It looks like any of my other options were rained out anyways.” As James handed him a can, he grabbed his arm pulling him down to give him a peck on the lips. “But hey, _wake me up_ _next time._ You know I like being close.”

James leaned in for a longer kiss. “I’ll keep that in mind.” 

This wasn’t out of the ordinary for their day to go. Eating meals in abandoned shacks and cellars, going through different buildings looking for jobs, caps, and way too much junk were all in a day's work. MacCready still couldn’t believe that any of this was real, that somehow he was stuck in a neverending dream. Never in his life could he ever have something good without a price, without a catch that appeared through time. Lady luck was never on his side, and he couldn’t help but be nervous that things were going so smoothly. Almost  _ too _ smoothly, that at any moment it could all be stripped from him again, that he’d be lost. He hadn’t been the best man in his life, and maybe this was karma’s way of playing with him. To bring him things to love, just to lose; that maybe he was stuck in some sick cycle of highs and lows.

This little thing they had, he didn’t ever want to let it go. A loaded gun, caps in his pocket, and the man who loved him by his side, it was hard to think why he should be upset, hell this was about as good as things got for him. Still, he couldn’t shake the feeling that this was all temporary, that the moment they stepped outside it could all end. James was just sitting across from him, eating cereal straight from the box and going off about what junk he found in the rain. He knew he was more than capable of taking care of himself, but god he just wanted to protect this man. He was a bright star in the darkness of the wasteland, and somehow he decided to shine this close to him.  _ Him _ . It would be a cold day in hell before he let anything bad happen to that sweet, ridiculous man, that was a promise. 

“Mac?” James voice sounded a tad concerned. “Earth to RJ, this is James speaking.” He waved his hand in front of MacCready’s face.  

_ Shit.  _ He definitely wasn’t paying that much attention to what he saying. “Uh, yeah.”  _ What a great save, you idiot.  _

“Well I guess you dozed off huh.” He put down a small paper bag on the table. “So I’m going to take that as a yes.”

“What is it?” MacCready reached forward grabbing it tentatively. He wasn’t used to getting presents, not even from James. 

“You can look, it’s yours.” James rested his elbows on the table, sporting a smirk. 

He took a peek at the bag’s content with a small smile, that was quickly replaced with a groan. He turned it upside down, a bar of soap hitting the table. “Soap?”

“Soap.” James agreed, his chin resting on top of his knuckles.

“C’mon, it’s rainy everyone is a little grimy.”

“You are beyond a ‘little’,” James’s took and up-down of MacCready who still hadn’t put on a shirt. “Maybe you’re a little grimy normally but with weather like this you’re absolutely  _ filthy.” _

“Gee thanks, who knew you were such a sweet talker.” MacCready crossed his arms self-consciously with a slight blush. He’d admit, he wasn’t the cleanest guy but who was when most water was somewhat radioactive? 

“Hey, I’m not the one who always says ‘I aim to please,” his voice filled with humor. “Oh, don’t pout, you know I handle that. Look, I’ll do something you want if that’ll help.”

“Really?” MacCready perked an eyebrow, a wry half smile forming.

He shook his head, chuckling nervously. “Yeah sure, what’s the worst that could happen.”

“Well,” MacCready tapped his cheek. “I guess I’ll be merciful. You just have to shave your face. And not any of this trimming crap, I mean  _ cleanly shaven. _ ”

James tilted his head to the right, his mouth agape. “What? But I like the beard.”He pouted, crossing his arms. “And if I recall correctly you said it looked handsome.”

“No, I said  _ you’re  _ handsome.” MacCready couldn’t help but laugh, the man who took out the Institute was  _ pouting  _ about his  _ beard  _ of all things. 

“Now you’re laughing evilly at me, what did beard’s ever do to you.” James tried hiding his grin, but his eyes always gave it away. “What about you, you get to keep yours?”

“I’m not the one making gifts of soap.” MacCready stroked his goatee. “And anyways, you’re not the one with beard burns on their thighs, are you?”

They both couldn’t help but break out laughing at that point, blushing furiously. This was so juvenile, but hell, it felt good. MacCready didn’t mind taking a bath, and honestly the beard burns were a small price to pay in the long run. He was just happy he could talk to someone like this again, to share these stupid moments. James was making some wild explanation of why he needed his beard, how it was an unfair trade off, dramatically talking with his arms. He just loved watching him, hearing his voice even if he wasn’t focusing on the individual words. He loved how when his hair was wet it would stick to his face and he’d brush it out of his eyes although it would just fall back to where it was in a few seconds. He loved the wrinkles around his eyes when he smiled, along with his nose scrunching up. He couldn’t stop looking at him, soaking in every mannerism and expression, every line on his face. He was smitten, MacCready wanted to kick himself but he was  _ smitten _ . How unreal meeting him was in the first place, how unreal that they ended up having whatever _ this  _ was. 

“You know I love you, right.” MacCready had not meant to even open his mouth, yet the words came out so matter-of-factly that it didn’t feel unnatural at all. In all this time, he hadn’t even told him those magical three words that hopeless romantics chased after. He’d admit it, he wasn’t the smoothest of talkers and this was not the most romantic way to go about it, but it almost seemed unnecessary. Of course he loved James. He planned on walking with him til the end of time, to the corners of the world. He’d do anything for James, he’d gone through so much shit with him and was still able to laugh at the end of the day. Of course he loved him.

James had stopped speaking, blinking in confusion. 

“I just figured you should know,” MacCready rubbed the back of his neck. “I mean I was in love with you before you told me, I’m not exactly subtle.” He coughed, trying to get past his nervousness. It was stupid to feel this apprehensive when James had already said this a month ago. “What I’m saying is that I love you.”

“Well I love you too.” James said, a blush rising on his cheeks. “So I can keep the beard?”

“Not a chance in hell.”

“You said hell.”

“Not a chance in  _ heck.” _ MacCready leaned over the table to kiss him.  _ Smoke and sugar bombs. Home.  _

 

Later that night, camped up in a cellar, MacCready couldn’t stop smiling laying next to James. His head was buried at the nape of his neck, he could feel his soft breath as he slept. His arms wrapped around his chest, MacCready didn’t want morning to come quickly. He just wanted to lay here, like this, warm and content for the rest of eternity. Not too long ago he had wanted everything to end so much. Hope for a new life was never in his mind, it was never even an option. Now, he was happy.  _ Happy.  _ Who would’ve thought that would’ve been possible for one that had gone through so much tragedy so young, could ever be happy again? Yet just feeling the warmth of the body next to him was more than enough. Everything was still, which was quite the feat in the Commonwealth. It was rarely quiet even for a few hours in the more urban areas. 

Sleep popped into his mind, as fatigue hung onto his body, though he wanted to be conscious to enjoy this. Walking, running, and shooting was tiring work especially in the mud. Maybe it was the drowsiness getting him into such a philosophical mood but he finally figured out how he was to pay James back for all that he had done for him: he wasn’t. All along he’d been having a crisis of how he would never deserve him, how he was putting more and more on his tab the more he asked. But that wasn’t the case anymore.

He wasn’t in debt. He was in love. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Believe it or not this is the first fic I've finished that wasn't a one shot. I had a lot of fun, and if you guys have any requests or prompts or any ideas for these two I'd be more than happy to give it a go! Again, thank you all for your support!


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